laughter ] now, barack obama's justice department decided not to defend doma, but don't worry, your tax dollars are still being spent on the case. house republicans hired super-straight, super-lawyer paul clement to defend marriage to the tune of $2 million dollars. [ laughter ] now, the case won't be heard until march, but that money is already buying brilliant legal arguments from clement like: "marriage should be limited to unions of a man and a woman because they alone can produce unplanned and unintended offspring." [ laughter ] damn straight. yes! yes, marriage is for straight people, who can go to a wedding, get tanked on chablis, and make a baby, barebacking it in a coat closet. [ laughter ] as -- [cheers and applause] fans of the coat closet. that's how god intended it. [ laughter ] planning to have kids just isn't right. [ laughter ] but perhaps the strongest argument clement yanked out of his law-hole is this one: "gays and lesbians have attained more legislative victories, political power, and popular favor in less time than virtually any other group in american history. giv